So I have been doing alot of reflecting the past year. An amazing lady in my ward asked me to write down some of my feelings about dealing with the loss of Berkley for a book that she was helping to write. It of course is always hard to go back and think through this hard time but so good for me to write it all down so that my kids will be able to read it someday. I also have to thank Robyn for giving me some ideas. She told me that it really helped them to celebrate her little boy's birthday. They always make him a cake and celebrate HIS day. We haven't really ever celebrated Berkley's birthday. To me this was just such a hard day. Not really one that I felt like celebrating. It usually would pass without mention and me just thinking back on this day and a few tears! But this year I decided that this is HIS birthday and we are going to celebrate him. We usually go to McCammon to visit his grave on Memorial Day but this year we went on his birthday instead. We also went for ice cream after. I have also spent alot of time reflecting on the things that I am thankful for from this day and this time in our lives.
1. I am thankful that I got to hold my baby in my arms for a long time. These will be moments I will treasure forever and I know that even though his spirit was not in that little body it was in that room with us!
2. I am thankful for my amazing husband who even though I know he was falling apart on the inside was a rock on the outside for a wife that was not. I am grateful for the amazing man that he is for me!
3. I am thankful for family who paid for the funeral, paid to bring us all back home so we could bury our baby here, paid for the plot, came and helped us, and talked and listened for many hard months to come.
4. I am so thankful for Easton who gave his Mom a reason to get up each day and keep plugging along. He was always so concerned why Mom was so sad but always had a way to make me smile.
5. I am thankful for the amazing friends we had in Missouri. It was so nice to have friends that were really more like family to help us through this hard time!
6. I am thankful for Running. I know kind of funny but I really think this is what helped my to move forward. Me and Easton would drive 20 minutes to the gym everyday and I would run and run and it made me feel so much better, gave me time to think, and just release stress and gave me the will to go on with the day.
7. I am thankful for such a special little boy who must be more special than we can even imagine to not need that body. To not have to come to this sometimes horrible place to be tried and tested.
8. I am so thankful for knowledge that we know who we are, where we came from, why we are here, and where we are going. It gives me peace.
9. I am thankful that I have one child that I don't have to worry about. I know that he is exactly where he is supposed to be, doing exactly what he is supposed to be doing!!!
Happy Birthday Berkley!!!!!!! We love you!!!!!!!!!!!
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